The other night after I tucked first the 7 year old, then the 9 year old into bed with kisses and wishes of sweet dreams, I was ready to come downstairs and crash after what had been a particularly hectic day. As I quietly closed the bedroom door I heard a tentative small voiced: "Mom?" coming from my 13 year old daughter's bedroom. For a moment I considered pretending that I hadn't heard - I was sooo tired by that time. I know she is old enough that she can fall asleep without being tucked in. Technically I could have sneaked away, but I am a mother after all, so I didn't. And I was happy that I didn't---that I listened to the little voice (thank you little voice) that whispered "Just because she is older doesn't mean she needs you any less."
I pushed open the door and the light from the hallway fell into her bedroom. I went and sat down next to her. I stroked her hair away from her face like I always do and realized that she had been crying.
"What's the matter?" I asked. She choked up, silent sobs racking through her body. Finally, when she calmed down a little, she answered me.
"I'm just thinking about you and dad and how you will die one day and how much I will miss you, and then, if I have my own children, then one day I, too, will die and I won't want to leave them behind. Why do people have to die, mom?" More tears.
Internal panic. Gods! What should I say! Help!!! Calm down and gather your thoughts, I told myself.
Finally the sobbing eased and she was able to hear what I had to say. I took a deep breath:
"Spirit is what's most real about us, my dear. Think of a lamp - what is it? A stand, a bulb, and a lamp shade, right?" She nodded.
"Now think, wouldn't you say that the thing that is most real and special about a lamp, is the light it gives? Wouldn't you agree that the lamp exists as a way for the light to be made visible. The light is eternal. You learn at school that energy can not be created or destroyed. The energy that animates us, that makes us alive in a way that chairs are not, can not be destroyed. Just like lamps our bodies exist as a way for our spirits to be made visible. Why are identical twins not the same even though they are genetically identical and raised by the same parents? How come they can have such different personalities?"
She was listening. "Because they have different spirits?" and after a few moments, "But how do you know for sure, mom?"
"I don't know. I just know what I feel and I feel that we are more than our bodies. I feel that our bodies exist as a way for our spirits to experience life on this earth. I don't know if, after death, our energy like a river flows into and merges with an ocean of energy (what some people call God) or if our energy stays separate. I would like to think it stays separate so that we can all meet up again, in this world or another, if that is what we wanted."
"But is there proof?"
"There is no concrete, hold-it-in-your-hands-and-turn-it-over proof for it, but then again, there is also no proof against it. None of can say with any kind of certainty what happens after death. Not even the most intelligent people can say for sure because no one, not a single person, knows for sure. Some people say that there is no such thing as spirit - that we are all just the sum of our physical parts and that the only things we can believe in are the things we understand and have studied. I don't think that is true. This universe is so large and mysterious that I bet there are things we can not even begin to imagine."
"But it is true that one day I will die, and dad will die, and yes, even you will die. But no one knows when that will be and so in the meantime let's do two things. Let's choose first of all to believe that spirit is real and secondly, let's enjoy each and every day we have together."
This seemed to soothe her. And truth be told, it soothed me because from time to time I too am overcome by the love I feel for the people I love, and the loss I imagine if I should lose them. But luckily for me, my belief in permanence of spirit (most of the time) wins out over my doubt. Also, there is more and more evidence (some might consider it proof) for the existence of the after life. And so far, everything points to it being truly wonderful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNbdUEqDB-k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbtoX3Q5OI
**photo of Aurora Borealis originally sourced at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Polarlicht_2.jpg
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